My Story…

In college, I was asked to present a ‘lecture’ or workshop to a small seminar psychology class on the topic of my choice.  I was in my last year of college but still very much figuring out who I was.  I didn’t have a lot of friends and continued to feel lonely and insecure in my new home away from home.

The topic I chose was ‘Self-Love.’  I excitedly researched and prepared a wonderful workshop all about what self-love was and how to ‘do’ it.  I facilitated experiential exercises on self-connection, had the best quotes about what self-love really looked like, and wrote a polished paper on the topic.  From the outside, I nailed it…On the inside though, I struggled to feel any of the confidence portrayed in that workshop.  The truth was, I had no idea how to love myself.

This workshop was meant to teach me, not them. I wanted to feel the self-connection and confidence I was teaching.  I knew deep down that there was something to it, that some ‘answer’ rested in the center of this practice.  I knew that the confidence I craved was at my disposal, somehow...but I had no idea how to get there.

I spent the next two decades in search of the peace, strength and confidence that this young woman attempted to summarize in her workshop.  I got lost, over and over and over-through alcohol, perfectionism, sugar, relationships, drama and other distractions…I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was carving out highways in my brain- pathways of self-destruction and self-abandonment that caused amazing suffering.  

I also found yoga, meditation, and kept moving forward.  There was always a quiet whisper in the back of my mind and in the corner of my heart that knew there was more for me and this knowing would not let me give up. The woman who ran that self-love workshop was bright and intuitive and hopeful.  She craved truth, wisdom, and connection but was terrified to really ask for it and didn’t know how to connect with those things inside of herself. Fear of being ‘too much,’ insecurity, and fear of using her voice left her lurking in the background for years.

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In grad school, I studied Somatic Psychology and learned about the powerful connection between the body, mind, emotions and spirit.  I learned that we are capable of storing away years of pain and suffering in our tissues, that our brains are wired around our conditioning and trauma.  

I received a Masters in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis in Somatic Studies. I had hoped that this accomplishment would show me the way to true self-confidence and self-love, but it did not.  I started a family.  While being married and having children had their blessings, these roles did not show me either.  If anything, being a mother highlighted my own childhood wounds, often pushing me further away from myself. I was horribly ashamed when I found myself unconsciously repeating the unhealthy behaviors of my early childhood care-givers, yet felt out of control and struggled to show up for my kids in the ways I wanted to. I felt overwhelmed in my new role as a mom.  I wanted to provide my children with what I did not have growing up, but instead saw the ways that I failed to do just that.

That said, pain and failure can be our most brilliant teachers.  During those years, looping through cycles of self-sabotage and self-abandonment, I was my worst, most harsh critic. As a sensitive and empathic woman, living out of alignment with my integrity caused me more suffering than I can put to words.  Growing up, I never learned how to be with myself through big feelings.  I learned that it was more safe to distance and escape.  It wasn’t until I discovered that the only way out of my pain was through it, that things started to finally turn around…

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Despite being broke, I knew that I needed help and decided to hire a skilled professional. I was determined to ‘fix’ myself.  I studied counseling psychology and had many therapists throughout the years but never found an amazing fit.  I was ready for real and meaningful change and even took out a loan for this service. In my search for a somatic therapist, I found a life coach whose website said,

“...if you are looking for regular "talk therapy" I lovingly suggest you contact someone else. Most of my clients have done a lot of therapy and personal growth work with some rewards, but without getting to the core of what they are seeking.”

This honest invitation hooked me.  I knew it was time for me to get to the core of what holding me back and I was intrigued. I took a leap of faith and also listened to my body’s wisdom which was shouting ‘YES!’ with every cell.  Little did I know that the journey I was about to embark upon was simple yet more profound than I could have hoped.  

Amanda taught me how to love myself.  

She didn’t have any answers for me.  She didn’t have a formula for correcting my destructive habits, she didn’t provide a 3-step approach for developing confidence, or a quick fix for my aching heart.  

Her deep presence allowed me to feel my own.

My fear and terror at ‘feeling’ my big feelings subsided when I took the risk and actually felt them-and the worst didn’t happen.  I developed a roadmap home-a new highway was being carved in my brain, but this path led to the peace and freedom I had been craving for so many years. When times got hard and I felt stress, I didn’t move away from myself as I was conditioned to do.  I practiced moving towards myself with the grace and compassion I spoke of at that workshop in college.

This relationship marked the beginning of a long and winding healing journey-a journey that is ongoing, beautiful, surprising, and sometimes painful.  It is imperfect. I make progress and then I fall off the path and get lost again.

On this journey, I am learning that I don’t need to escape in order to face life’s challenges.  A few years ago, I discovered Internal Family Systems.  This modality created by Richard Schwartz gave language and structure to understanding ALL parts of myself and meeting them with curiosity and compassion.  I had been viewing and talking about my ‘parts’ for years, so when I discovered his system, I found a language and map to better understand myself. Through this non-pathologizing system, I have finally been able to make lasting and meaningful changes in my relationship with alcohol.  Instead of hating and shaming myself, I have moved towards my inner parts who are struggling and stuck in the past, and can give them the love, understanding, attention and compassion that they need in order to heal.  It has been quite profound.

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I am learning that I am okay, just as I am-that my voice matters, that I have unique gifts to offer the world that nobody else has.  We all do.  Looking at the world through this lens inspires and fascinates me and is one of the reasons I love coaching.  What an honor-to sit with someone and witness them as they uncover the gem of themselves and all they have to offer the world!

Today, self-love means: Not saying yes when I mean no. It means using my voice to express my deepest truths, and having inward compassion for my ongoing mistakes.  It means taking risks socially and emotionally in order to have the authentic relationships that I have always craved.  It means living in alignment with my integrity and keeping an open heart.  It means trusting that all parts of me have a positive intention-they are all just looking for love, understanding and connection. I am continually developing a sweet and spacious relationship with the woman I am becoming and committed to maintaining this connection on a daily basis. I have come to believe that if we could all cultivate a little more self-compassion, the world would be a better place.

While this journey will always be a work in progress, I bring my life experience, willingness to learn, practical education, and open heart to my clients. More importantly though, I bring my full presence and passion for deep connection and healing.  My goal is to guide you home the way Amanda did for me-towards your own wisdom and inner knowing.